wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Duck Duck Cougar?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
