VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We had to coat check the pizza.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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