New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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