you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
