We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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