Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
