I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
