The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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