Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
