A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
