At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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