I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
