when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Someone shit on the floor
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
