I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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