I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
