i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
