you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
