Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
