You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
