I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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