Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
