You just made me feel so damn special
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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