bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
