I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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