So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
