So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
