Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
