I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
