I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
