do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
