You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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