I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
