the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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