when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
