Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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