Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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