Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
