Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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