I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
