I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
