got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
