Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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