WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
