So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
