do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
