And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
