shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
