i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
