She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
