So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
