I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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