I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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