everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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