this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
