last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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