ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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